Gobsmacked

 

I was more than shocked when I heard of L'Wren Scott's suicide.  I was gobsmacked and I'm having a hard time shaking the need to make sense of it although I know that there is no sense to be made.  I have attended three visitations for young people whom my twenty-six year old daughter was friends with during her grade and high school years.  All three chose suicide, chose to die.  While that is an enormous tragedy it is something that's easier for me to understand.  They were all in their early twenties.  This is a point in life where, when things go very badly, it's hard to imagine them ever getting better.  However once you get to forty-nine, as L'Wren and I have done, it seems that you have gone through the ups and downs of things seeming hopeless and have come out on the other side and that that would be enough to get you through even very dark moments.  For L'Wren Scott it wasn't enough.  Not enough hope, not enough love, not enough empathy for those who were sure to be devastated by her decision.  Not enough.  It twists my soul to think of the anguish that led up to her making and following through on the decision to end her life.  The decision to completely cease to exist.  Unable to reach out.  Unable to trust the people who could see her worth when she couldn't and who loved her when she didn't.

 

It's made me rethink the direction of my blog for the time being at least.

 

I had visions of writing on creams that would make your skin shine and outings that would make your heart sing.  I was going to tell you that by dressing appropriately for your age with a bit of personal flair added that you would look much younger than if you tried to dress your daughter's age.  I was going to talk about the joy that reading, art and music could bring to your life and if these were already things you loved how looking outside of your normal choices could be fabulous.  I was going to encourage you to do the things that brought you joy as a child....color a picture, take a dance class, ride a horse.  I was.  But first I need to do something else.

 

 L'Wren had so much access to the things that I had in mind.  If I was to put together a life in a Mr. Potato Head kind of way it would be fairly close to the life she seemed to be living.  Beauty, a successful, life-long career centered in the world of fashion, a rock-star boyfriend, fabulous parties, etc. 

 

Why wasn't it enough?????

 

What was missing????????

 

Something else happened soon after I heard of Ms. Scott's death.  A copy of Oprah's magazine arrived in the mail.  With thoughts of "What makes a life worth living" bouncing around my head I leafed through the latest issue and a piece reached out and grabbed me. It's title was 20 Questions Every Woman Should Ask Herself.

 

Do I examine my life enough?

 

Do I care too much what other people think?

 

How do I want to be remembered?

 

Have I forgiven my parents?

 

These questions, and the rest, challenged and excited me. They are what I want to take a detour and devote my blogging to for now.  Maybe they will take up some space that is being haunted by questions about a choice that I don't understand made by a woman that I didn't know. 

 

 

 

 

Here's to finding answers where we can and finding hope......always.